I, the Director
from
November/December 2006
by Colin Leinster
The untold board service of Mickey Spillane's private eye, Mike Hammer.
Too bad author Mickey Spillane has cashed in his chips, something he did last summer. He never did get around to dispatching Mike Hammer, his legendary private eye, to solve a case involving big-time corporate crime. The assignment would surely have led Hammer into a boardroom, perhaps even as an independent director. It’s not too hard to imagine the tough guy’s take on the challenges that often face board members—or, for that matter, the iconic way he would have handled them. Examples:
On establishing rapport with the other outside directors
All I have to do to make a gang of street thugs listen to reason is pull out my rod and put a .45 slug into the leader’s knee. It was the same at my first board meeting, only this time it was the lead director I had to cut down to size. I used a ballpoint. He yelled some and then shut up, but a lot of blood still bubbled onto the carpet. First order of business: Order a new carpet. The other directors agreed with my choice of color.
On why he should be the board’s contact with a hesitant whistleblower
I told the board, sometimes you’ve got to break an arm to make sure you’re getting the whole story. You guys don’t know how to do that. I do. I’ve done it. I’ll do it again. Now where’s the guy live? Okay, so where’s the dame live?
On his first exposure to consultants
They slithered into the boardroom like flesh-eaters let loose in a coeds’ dorm. All four wore fancy duds, but it was the one in the Brioni who got to telling us how we should be doing our jobs. I’ve seen a lot of overpriced mouthpieces in my time, so he didn’t fool me—and neither did the punks he brought in with him. Under the $5,000 suits and handmade shoes and behind the capped teeth, they were just a bunch of Harvard M.B.A.’s. They’d never be anything more. I fixed their teeth for them, which was good news for the dentist.
On hedge fund investors
My late client, the guy who got me on the board right before he turned up dead with six dumdums in his back, warned me about these slobs who wanted to triple their dough in 24 hours and make a run for it, leaving the widows and orphans holding the bag. Investors, my ass. And they’d better watch theirs.
On keeping the CEO in line
What the hell was he doing at the audit committee meeting anyway? It was for outside directors, but the other members were looking into their laps, afraid to speak up. He jabbered about how a certain deal needed a sharp pencil, so that’s what I used on him. Then I threw him out. That seemed okay with the rest of the board. They were getting to see how I operated.
On the board’s only female director
These days every board’s got a doll. Ours was all doll, six feet of her, with gleaming black hair, skin like silk, and a wide mouth with pouty lips that looked like they could lift a barbell. She was wearing a black business suit that said no hanky-panky. Her electric-blue eyes said something else, and so did the doodles on her legal pad. I had an offsite in my future. Board service ain’t all bad.
