Scenes from the Co-CEO Sandbox
from Summer 1999
by Fran Liscio
As the article “Who Needs Co-Chief Executives?” makes clear, job-sharing at the top is a tricky business. Rare is the individual with both the drive to pursue the top spot and the selflessness to settle for half. To provide a revealing (if fictional) glimpse into the dynamics of the co-CEO relationship, we offer the interoffice correspondence below:
From: Harold Nixon Co-CEO Trilat Holdings Corp.
To: Chester Moravian Chairman
Subject: Missing tape dispenser
I feel it imperative to apprise you of the situation regarding desk accessories here at the penthouse offices of Trilat Holdings. Ever since Delberto Jacquinto and I began sharing an office and executive duties, I have noticed a marked reluctance on his part to replace items after use. To wit:
- I have twice reached for my brushed titanium MOMA tape dispenser only to find it on the windowsill adjacent to his desk. He looks at me and claims no knowledge of how it happened. I thought you should know about this.
- Washroom key? Same story.
- My Arnold Palmer golf ball clock/swing counter has been missing for two weeks. No, of course I can’t prove anything. Its disappearance does, however, add to an atmosphere of mistrust.
I feel it is important for us to have some serious communication on this issue, and I will contact you soon to set up a meeting. Please understand, it is only the best interests of the company that I have at heart.
———
From: Delberto Jacquinto Co-CEO Trilat Holdings Corp.
To: Chester Moravian Chairman
Subject: Memory-enhancing dermal patch
Is there a reason why Harold has a networked secretary and I do not? I hope you remember that I made my mark by opening up the entire Micronesian market to the memory-enhancing dermal patch, and, therefore, I certainly have more credentials to support such a perk than does Mr. “I-threw-the-hammer-for-Hardecanute-Regional-College.” Furthermore, I do not have his imbecilic golf ball clock. And furthermore, tell him to stop touching me.
———
From: Harold Nixon Co-CEO Trilat Holdings Corp.
To: Chester Moravian Chairman
Subject: Delberto’s victim mentality
The allegation that I am “touching” Delberto is ludicrous. I was standing next to him in the executive elevator and, as the wind rush at the 87th floor sometimes causes the elevator to shake, I accidentally leaned into him for a moment. I can’t believe what a baby he is.
———
From: Delberto Jacquinto Co-CEO Trilat Holdings Corp.
To: Chester Moravian Chairman
Subject: Aggressive seat grabbing
By the way, Chester, I made it very clear to Harold that I was to have the forward window seat when we flew into Barcelona for the confab last Thursday. So, what happens? I board the company jet, reach over to put in my request with Gwen for the broiled grouper, and next thing I know, the “seat thief” is sitting in my place. I asked him very nicely to move and he said, “Sorry, I called first dibs on it when we were boarding.” When I said he was lying, he shot back, “Just because you didn’t hear it doesn’t mean it doesn’t count!” I personally have known plankton with better people skills.
———
From: Harold Nixon Co-CEO Trilat Holdings Corp.
To: Chester Moravian Chairman
Subject: Let the little baby whine on his own side of the office
Please tell Delbarfo I’m not sorry and that, furthermore, I’ve taped a line down the middle of the wool kilim in the center of the office. Everything on the left half of the kilim is his. Everything on the right half is mine. And by the way, the 13-meter snowshoe sprint was my event at Hardecanute, not the hammer throw. He can’t even get his research straight.
Fran Pelzman Liscio is the mother of two children, ages 10 and 7. ’Nuff said.
