Director Recruitment as Reality TV Show
from September/October 2008
by Don Morrison
Hey, Simon. I know you’re one busy dude, what with all those cutting-edge shows to look after, so thanks for agreeing to see me, you know, mano a mano. Did you get a chance to read the coverage?
I see. Well, we’ll just have to take it from the top. Simon, you’re going to love this. It’ll redefine the very idea of the reality show. Hey, it’ll redefine television...
Yes, I know you’ve already redefined television. It’ll be bigger than Big Brother, starrier than Star Search, bloodier than American Gladiators, sexier than The Hills, tastier than Hell’s Kitchen. Whatever. Think Survivor meets Sarbanes and Oxley. Think The Apprentice meets Korn/Ferry. Think…
No, Korn/Ferry, the executive search firm, not the comedy series on a boat. Make that The Apprentice meets Heidrick & Struggles, or…
Yes, there will be struggles, lots of them. And the stakes will be high. You see, our contestants will be the current and former top dogs of the world’s biggest corporations. They’ll be competing for the chance to become an outside director of your company, Simon. And you, as chairman, will have to choose just one of them from…
Why, they’ll be wearing business suits, of course, and for the women, nicely tailored…
Well, they can wear swimsuits around the hotel pool, I guess…
Simon, that’s brilliant. You’re so way ahead of me. We’ll keep them all cooped up in a hotel, where they can bond with each other around the pool, and laugh and cry, and…
Yes, they’ll also sing, metaphorically speaking. You know, pitch a merger to you, sell you on their strategic vision, persuade you to spin off a losing division, or move a factory to China, or sell a chunk of the company to some sovereign wealth fund…
Exotic locations? You bet. Like any great board, we’ll gather in the world’s finest luxury resorts. And then there’s the annual shareholders’ meeting, which will be in the most inaccessible place where we happen to have a factory…
Oh yes, the trials. Well, our contestants will have to carve a canoe out of the boardroom table, face down a dissident shareholder, build a fire under the audit committee by rubbing two accountants together, club a baby environmentalist, use a flashlight battery and a paper clip to jump-start talks on a failed takeover, write a 10-K from memory with a quill pen and ink from a squid they have to spear and clean themselves, rappel down the Stock Exchange building with a 50-pound sack of annual reports on…
Insects and rodents? Not only will they have to kill them, they’ll have to eat what they kill. You know, outside directors really must be vicious. You should see them toss a chief executive overboard, why…
Well, um, yes. That’s one of the things boards do, get rid of underperforming bosses. They also pick apart mergers and acquisitions, review the company’s financials, select an outside auditor, approve share offerings, set compensation for upper management…
Yes, that would include your compensation, Simon. So our guys and gals would really have to be good with numbers, and…
No, I don’t think you’re overpaid, I just...
No, really, it’ll be great. Trust me. We can have Jack Welch do the judging if you’re too busy. He’s not. And we can assemble a first-rate panel of shareholder advisory services to do all the heavy lifting. Heck, we can even have the shareholders vote on the winner…
Wait, Simon, I’m not finished yet…
Well, um, sure. Of course you can have your people call my people. Whatever.
